So today is my birthday and I couldn't be more indifferent about it. I haven't pulled together some new outlook on life, or decided to capitalize on the day by forcing people to care who probably wouldn't normally.
For the first time, it feels like just another day. I have no grandiose vision of what should take place. It's quite sobering actually. On the surface I seem to have this blossoming, purpose filled life, but at my core I'm still working through insecurities, struggling to let go of unrequited love, and learning to deal with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Not much of a celebratory post, I know.
But I cant ignore that I have experienced one of my most spiritually stretching years ever, and I'm still here. As of lately, God's favor has been on full display in my life and He's managed to cover my shortcomings in the process. I'm not a millionaire, but God has met every need. My heart is still broken in places, but its finally soft enough to be molded. My patience is still lacking but my purpose has never been more clear.
Although this space in my life is awkward and a bit uncomfortable I finally "get it". It is reminiscent to the word God gave Jeremiah about the potter's house. "So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." Jeremiah 18:3-4
I imagine the process of reshaping clay, is more difficult than we portray it to be.
Being broken down and made flexible again, spinning on a wheel, lacking clear definition or direction, being so fragile that even the slightest movement or separation from the potter's hands could mean complete disaster. I visualize the forming process to be nauseating, yet necessary. I can even see the meaning of the excess clay that is left on the wheel and on His hands, how it still played a role in the forming of the finished product.
I can only speculate that this process requires patience, consistency, and focus. And as the form of the pot becomes more visibly recognizable the process for the clay remains the same until it is finished.
So for today I will accept being unfinished, but a work in progress.